All too rarely, airline attendants
make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with
a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies
and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the
cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess
said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to
leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways
to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying
Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as
we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was
coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing
during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines
employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your
seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite."
"Weather at our
destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose
pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like
children."
"As you exit the plane,
make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.”
“Please do not leave
children or spouses."
And from the pilot during
his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines
just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on
the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the
asphalt!"
Overheard on an American
Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
seat belts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment
on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that
on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a
landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's
arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the
skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from
Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is
your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"